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Self-esteem.

It feels like writing about a topic out of date but unfortunately very relevant.

I coach a lot of clients and I can see how often bad self-esteem controls my clients’ lives.

What is the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem?

Self-confidence is that you know you are good at something you do.

You know you are good at your profession, you know you cook delicious meals, you know you are good at playing soccer.

Self-esteem is that you are perfect just the way you are.

You are an amazing person without performing anything. Imagine a six-month-old baby. A chubby, bald, laughing little baby with 2 teeth. It is not possible but to fully love this little creature! The baby has not produced anything at all, except for diapers, but we love it anyway. That individual is still in us.

You can have a good self-confidence without having a good self-esteem. On the other hand, if you have a good sense of self-esteem, you will automatically have a good self-confidence, because then it is not important if you do something good or not.

We are great just the way we are.

In our society, it’s built-in that we get praise and confirmation when we perform and it starts at an early age.

For example, when a child swings at the playground and shouts:

 – Look at me!

Then we respond automatically,

– How high you swing!

Achievement gives confirmation.

Instead, you can answer,

“What fun, does it tickle in your stomach?”

Confirmation, but not based on performance.

Or when your child comes home from school with a drawing, you respond automatically,

– How great you are at drawing!

Again a performance that gives confirmation.

Instead, you can answer:

– What beautiful colors!

Confirmation, but not based on performance.

And then it goes on growing up. Grades in school, winning a competition, tests. Confirmation of achievement. You are performing – you are good.

If you have poor self-esteem, it may often be that you put other people’s needs before your own. You become a “yes-sayer” even though you want to say no. Anything to be liked and confirmed by the surroundings. It is also very easy to put the needs of others before your own, because who are you to put yourself and your needs first?

Perhaps many cases of burnout are due to poor self-esteem.

Other signs of poor self-esteem may be that you have an excessive control need, you have difficulties to set limits and are afraid of conflicts.

Self-esteem is about self-respect. To build self-esteem, one has to get to know you. What are my values and how do I honor them? What does my saboteur say (the inner voice you have a dialogue with)? What am I longing for in life? What am I dreaming about? What do I want to say yes to and what do I want to say no to?

When we respect ourselves, we are respected for who we are!

Tips on getting better self-esteem:

  1. Write a gratitude list each evening. 20 things you’re grateful about.
  2. Write down, every night, three things you’ve done during the day that you’re proud of.
  3. Each time someone asks you if you can take on a new task, ask to have a five-minute reflection time or answer the next day, so you can give yourself some time to consider what you want to do..
  4. Use affirmations several times every day – I love myself, I deserve to feel great.

// Elisabeth


Res dig!, Läk ditt medberoende. Av Madeleine Swartz

Mera självkänsla! Av Mia Törnblom

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